New Champions owner Jim Watson tried to trade for The Babe but failed.
In a surprise move, Mayor Jim Watson has purchased the Ottawa Champions baseball club.
“Look, I’m a champion. My team’s a champion. I thought it was a perfect match,” Watson said. “We’re already champions and the season hasn’t even started.”
“The Champions’ season is like a municipal consultation. We always know beforehand how it will turn out,” he said.
“See I was tired of that mayor gig. It was so last week,” said Watson, who tendered his resignation yesterday. “That twit Chiarelli has wanted the job for years. Well, now he’s got it … unless Nussbaum whips his butt in 2018. Let those two deal with Deans and see how easy they think it is.”
“Actually I resigned to fool The Bulldog. That bloody website has called for me to resign for years. Look I never took a scrap of that bonehead Gray’s advice ever. But this time I changed him up. Change-up. Hey. That’s baseball talk. That will show the dirty dog. So there.”
Watson said he took over the team because of his long-time interest in baseball. “There’s nothing better than three periods of baseball.”
He’s retaining current Champion president David Gourlay “because he’s a friend.”
“Did you know he won the Order of Ottawa? Hot damn, he’s good.”
Watson was asked if he thought the Champions would draw fans. “I can’t answer that. It’s a difficult and unpopular question. I’ll get the communications officer.”
Speaking through his spokesman, Watson said he didn’t know.
New to the baseball executive ranks, Watson has already been swinging deals for new players. Yesterday he traded his entire starting staff for a raft of players. “Yes I did a deal with the San Antonio Snowmobiles to get Yogi Mantle, Cy Young, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Walter Main, Cool Papa Bell and O.J. Simpson. Yeah, Chiarelli couldn’t make a deal like that. Simpson is a throw-in in case he can’t make bail. Every team needs a good running back.”
“I tried to weasel some guy named The Babe from them but the Snowmobiles wouldn’t budge,” Watson said. “The manager of the Snowmobiles sure laughs a lot. He said the Snowmobiles had given up too much already. Fun guy.”
“Mayors in this city have always made good deals. I mean I supported Lansdowne and look how that turned out.”
“I ran into the president of the Trenton Truffles and he said he really dug Walter Main.” Watson says he doesn’t have another pitcher so he’s going to throw on opening day.
“The Truffles guy said we could call the rotation … I think he said rotation … ‘Watson, Main and two days of rain’. Why that could be our slogan for 2016. Cute, eh? Gourlay, get on that.”
Watson is high on Cool Papa Bell. “Early in his career people said Bell was so fast he could turn off the lights and be in bed before it was dark. We’re installing photo radar on the first base line so he won’t travel at an unsafe speed.”
Watson said he bought nearly new equipment from the now-defunct Plattsburgh Pelvis at scratch-and-dent-sale prices. “Hey, you know I broke my pelvis once. I was riding on a snowmobile when …”
Watson said fans would see an appreciable improvement in the concessions.
Gone will be beer to be replaced by decaf coffee, herbal tea, dainties and bake-sale goodies served on doillies. Also there will be an innovation never before tried … tofu popcorn.
“I’d never heard of tofu popcorn but the Snowmobiles manager said he could get some. Just write him a cheque and he would send it all the way from San Antonio. Whadda guy.”
“Hasn’t got here yet.” The topping will be fairy dew.
If it doesn’t arrive by game time, Watson is sure someone in The Glebe can make it.
When Watson was mayor, he turned down leasing the Coventry Road stadium to the two best owners in minor league baseball to run a Double-A team affiliated with the Toronto Blue Jays.
“Who wants a Blue Jays team? Screw the Blue Jays. Why only nine-million Canadians last year watched their playoff run,” Watson said. “That’s peanuts and Crackerjack. Hey Gourlay, is that Simpson on the phone?”
“Instead we went with a team principally owned by the beer league’s commissioner. We thought Double-A would be too interesting. Now Ottawa is getting the baseball it deserves, much like Ottawa had the leadership it deserved.”
The city blew away many of the conditions of its own RFP so Watson could land the franchise in a league that had already failed once in Ottawa. “I was worried that Chiarelli was too involved with the Double-A procurement. It would have been successful and Chiarelli would have looked good. That sucks.”
Red Bull will have a concession behind the right-field stands. “You never know when the players might fall asleep,” Watson said.
This year features a Plaque Day where everyone gets a Jim-Watson-autographed plaque and a picture with his holograph. Also planned is Bring-Your-Own-Tweet Day. “As well, we’ll have Scoreboard Jeopardy where the fans get to be contestants. One of the categories is What Does Watson Know? Haven’t found an answer for that yet.”
Other promotions include Jim Watson Get My Old Campaign Signs Day, Jim Watson Lip Balm Day, Win a Photo Op With Jim Watson Day, Spend A Day With Jim Watson Day, Attend A Church Raffle Day With Jim Watson and Name Three Teams In The Can-Am League To Win A Day Honouring You And Jim Watson. All winners will also get a copy of Jim Watson’s new book, Party Advice From The Mayor.
The planned exhibition series featuring a Japanese team from a league no one has ever heard of and a bunch Cuban guys has been pushed back a year. Instead the ever-popular councillors-versus-Champions game will be held in June.
Last year the councillors won 11-4. “Who knew McKenney could hit?” Watson muttered. “We only lost by a touchdown.”
This year the councillors will be led by the silent sluggers, George “The Galloping Ghost” Darouze and Jean “The Who?” Cloutier.
“I scouted the Irish Spring League over the winter and got a hurler named Maurice O’Tellah. He plays cricket and has a deceptive googlie,” Watson said.
Councillor Bob Monette has been asked to play second base … not the player but the actual bag itself. “If he’s going to get stepped all over at city hall, he might as get paid for it here,” Watson said.
Almost city manager Steve Kanellakos has accepted Watson’s offer to manage the club, leaving the City of Ottawa without one permanent senior manager once again. “Hey, anyone can run the City of Ottawa,” Watson said. “I did it for years.”
The Truffles manager said he expected his team will be ready by opening day, April 1.
“Wait a second. That’s today. I’ve got to warm up. Yoga and pilates. Sure hope I don’t get called for icing. Where did I leave my game sandals?”
“Guess we should tell the fans about the match. Gourlay get communications on this and tell them not to forget to put my name on this one.”
“And oh yeah, if you see that idiot Gray, tell him Happy April Fool’s Day.”
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