In a surprise move, Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson has purchased the controversial website The Bulldog.
“I don’t think The Bulldog serves any good purpose for this city. I know where this city is going and I’m leading it there … wherever that is,” said Watson, taking a few moments away from a photo op. “The Bulldog just stood in the way of where I … and the city … are progressing. So I bought it because it was good for me and that’s good for the city.”
“My welfare and the welfare of the city are what’s important and they are intimately intertwined,” Watson said. “Any independent thought and action are a threat to the city … and me.”
Watson would not release how much he paid for The Bulldog but unconfirmed reports have placed the price at $1.5-million.
Former Bulldog owner and editor Ken Gray was unavailable for comment having just purchased a giant compound in Nassau, Bahamas.
Nevertheless sources in Nassau said Gray had been arrested for drunkenness and indecent exposure having spent an afternoon at the beach rolling around naked in Jim Watson’s money. “You can’t have this much fun in Kanata, baby,” Gray said as he was led off to jail.
However reached in Kanata under a number of men, west-end party girl Beulah Bowdetty said when told of Gray’s comments: “That’s where you’re wrong, Bulldog.”
Watson said publication of The Bulldog will continue as usual under the new editorship of loyal Watson follower Rideau-Vanier Councillor Mathieu Fleury. Fleury will be ably assisted by another Watson groupie, former Kitchissippi councillor Katherine Hobbs who is taking time off from her mystery writing and acting career to help out her old friend Watson.
So eager is Hobbs to start her new role that she was seen recently in the city communications department learning how to write press releases and discovering which good-news ones should have quotes from the mayor and which bad-news missives should not.
“It’s a challenging job but I’m up to the task,” Hobbs said. The former councillor is planning a 12-part series on pelvis care.
Hobbs added that she is also learning to tweet.
“I don’t know why The Bulldog can’t be more like Joanne Chianello,” Watson said. “She understands me and my purpose. She comprehends my concept of congenial behaviour. The most important thing is getting along and not the lack of accomplishment or screw-ups. The Bulldog rocked the boat. That’s not right.”
“The people of Ottawa want cooperation, not debate,” he added. “That’s where The Bulldog went wrong. It’s my job to change that.”
Watson said the new Bulldog will put more emphasis on community events such as plaque-giving, butter-tart tasting and key-to-the-city presenting. The usual top stories will be replaced by Ottawa’s most comprehensive guide to bake sales.
“Now that’s what Ottawans want,” the mayor said. Watson added that the new Bulldog would only publish the weather forecast when the days were nice. “Bad news isn’t good. Discord is not good. Debate is not good. Clouds, snow and rain are not good.”
“Debate and discord lengthen meetings and keep me away from the mayor’s most important function … attending church dinners.”
Meanwhile from a dingy jail cell in Nassau, Gray issued a press release that said only: “Happy April Fool’s Day.”
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