Jeff ‘The Giant’ Leiper, Wrestler And Planning Great

Here’s the difference between professional wrestling and planning at the City of Ottawa. Nothing.

You see professional wrestling is supposed to have rules and does. Except nobody follows them. There’s a referee but why is beyond comprehension because the rules aren’t enforced. It’s a free-for-all.

So wrestlers jump from the turnbuckles of the ring onto their opponents sprawled on the canvas. Mysterious objects enter the ring used to render an opponent helpless. Wrestlers, not even participating in the bout, show up to crush an opponent two-on-one.

Managers enter the fight. Referees turn on an opponent. Mayhem. Anarchy. Lawlessness. No rules.

A city planning committee meeting … oh sorry … professional wrestling.

Which brings us to city planning in Ottawa.

You see real wrestling is hard. You know, the kind at the Olympics. But pro wresting is just entertainment. Nobody gets hurt.

How tough is pro wrestling? Well the World Wrestling Federation had a problem years ago. It’s acronym was the same as the World Wildlife Federation. The real WWF complained. Wrestling backed down and changed its name to World Wrestling Entertainment. The pros were stared down by kitties and ducks.

Real city planning is hard, like real wrestling. You must juggle the needs, for example, of homeowners versus developers. How high should buildings be? What kind of development will destroy neighbourhoods. Neighbourhoods whose intricate human interactions and structure take years to develop naturally.

Planning committee can destroy them with a stroke of a pen. Why as fast as you can sign a fixed-fight contract at WWE.

Ottawa’s current planning committee takes the easy way out. Developers can build most anything anywhere they want in a neighbourhood with the small effort done by planning committee. Multi-unit buildings in a quaint old neighbourhood? Go right ahead. No rules, just mayhem. That’s just easy and lucrative for planning, city and otherwise.

Why planning committee chairman once sauntered through Highland Park, one of the nicest little communities in Ottawa, and thought it needed more multi-unit dwellings. Wow. The Hulk Hogan of intensification. If you’re the little people in Highland Park, you get it in the ear. If you’re the big people in Rockcliffe, you don’t get a bridge you don’t want.

So would-be retirements are destroyed by plummeting home prices and dwellings where you raised your children and the grandchildren come to visit are now subject to the prying eyes of condo owners. And you lose tons of money.

And intensification, like wrestling, is fake. It’s not about the environment. Ottawa can’t change the environment on its own … not with China, southeast Asia and India pouring greenhouse gases into the atmosphere from the dirtiest of coal. No it’s about new streams of money for developers and more cash from development charges for the city. Intensification is as fake as one of Andre-The-Giant’s matches.

But that’s not all. Jeff The Giant Leiper, planning committee chairman, wants the power to locate sprung structures anywhere. That’s the easy way out. Real planning takes thinking and work but just slamming a sprung structure anywhere solves that pesky labour problem.

This is the mantra of planning committee. Put high-rises and sprung structures anywhere. Easy and effective and lucrative for the city coffers. God bless ’em.

In fact The Bulldog at times (in an effort to help the city with money) has suggested farming out planning to the developers. The builders get what they want so why have the planning department and planning committee? Just contract out the job to developers. Easy. That way you can lay off planners, planning committee members and Jeff The Giant. Imagine the savings.

But this is just wistful thinking. City hall would not do things efficiently. Furthermore, there might be a municipal mission statement that prevents efficient. Don’t do things well or the public might come to expect that.

And as for Kitchissippi’s favourite son Jeff Leiper, planning committee chairman and maker of motions for universal sprung structures, he’s got a future in WWE. Grow out the white hair (he’s already got the tattoos) and he’s the most legendary wrestler of all time, Gorgeous George.

And our Jeff won’t get hurt. Wrestling is all fake. Sort of like city planning. Sprung structure and high-rises be damned.

Fame, athleticism, glamour and work after city hall. Gorgeous Jeff.

Can’t wait for Wednesday Night WWE.

The Kitchissippi Clobberer, Gorgeous Jeff.

Ken Gray

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