Floating Sauna Wins NCC Dumb Idea Competition

Responding to overwhelming demand and a frightening outcry of support from the public, our National Capital Commission will build a floating sauna on the mighty shores of the Ottawa River.

The sauna will honour the Scandinavian contribution to the decoration of Canada and will be sponsored by IKEA. It will be assembled by cursing husbands wielding Allen wrenches reading instructions that don’t work.

Second in the competition for stupidest idea in regional history was a flying gerbil colony followed by a subterranean tribute to Timmy’s, a somewhat floating replica of the Titanic and a novel non-floating tribute to Peter Mansbridge built with a grant from CHIP reverse mortgages.

“They have one these floating things in Montreal and we all know Montreal is better than Ottawa so it must be good,” said elusive Ottawa night mayor Mathieu Grondin. In addition, he said next the City of Ottawa will build a floating representation of the Decarie Expressway with the recorded sounds of car crashes punctuating the tranquility of an Ottawa summer evening. “We need more excitement in Ottawa,” Grondin said from his e-scooter in Gatineau.

The floating sauna finishes what NCC chief Tobi Nussbaum called the National Capital Floating Things Trilogy featuring the aforementioned sauna plus the floating swimming pool at the Ottawa boat house and the diving-dock floating on slime in Dows Lake. He was reached by The Bulldog in his Tesla while extracting a northern pike from his ear after a dip in the Dow.

“You can float almost anything with proper displacement,” said Nussbaum remarking that his rubber duck floats in the bathtub. “When the Parliament Building renovation is finished, the NCC will celebrate by floating the House of Commons not securely anchored just above Chaudiere Falls.

“At my place, we have a sauna and nobody uses it,” Nausbaum said. “With that kind of response, we won’t be bothered by pesky people at the floating model.”

“I don’t like it,” said long-time Bulldog commenter Miranda Gray who shares a chromosomal abnormality with all people named Gray to dislike everything.

Ottawa Mayor Mark Sutcliffe said he didn’t know if he liked the floating sauna but would know better after talking with former mayor Jim Watson.

Ottawa councillor and shawarma booster Laura Dudas said the national capital has become the world-class champion of swimming in ookie water and that we can only hope that the water beside the floating sauna is as ookie as at Dows Lake.

Dudas said the water at the Dow rivals the best in ookie water only exceeded by a stretch of the Ottawa just downstream from the Pickard waste treatment plant. “That’s where the sewage overflows go,” Dudas said proudly.

Beacon Hill-Cyrville Councillor Tim Tierney says he hopes to throw a couple of highway safety cones into the Ottawa River near where the sauna will be located.

“If I can open up the sauna just before the crew coming to open it, I’m just going to do it.”

Ken Gray

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