Crickets Outraged By Eclipse, Citizen Says: WHOPPER WATCH

Published 04/07/2024 · Updated 06/10/2024

whopper.watch .12.26

“While pet owners are naturally concerned about how Max or Daisy will react to Monday’s solar eclipse, there’s no need to panic about potential long-term impacts.”

Ottawa Citizen story on the effect of eclipse on pets

Get a grip. They’re cats and dogs. Who is in a “panic” about the welfare of pets during an eclipse? Get this … they probably won’t notice.

Here is an exploration of the canine mind: “sure could use a pork chop … that’s a bad itch … walkies … is there a cat that needs chasing? … woof.” No “let’s go split the atom.”

That’s it.

Have the residents of Westboro from whence this story idea must have come, the vanguard of all that is vapid, expensive and oh-so-trendy, so fallen in love with their designer dogs and cats that they are giving them human characteristics?

Are Westboro burros, when they are not riding their ten-thousand-dollar-bikes (the ultimate Westboro experience … walking your dog while riding a bike and wearing much lycra … do you know how many lycras were slaughtered in the production of your cycling outfit? This sort of thing happened to the spandex which has almost been driven to extinction … where’s David Suzuki when we need him? … the carnage), taking their dogs and cats to counselling so they can get in touch with their feelings?

Look we’re not anti-dog (please note banner on website), but give it a rest. Take your dogs for a walk, watch them bark (isn’t that cute?), let them pee against their favourite fire hydrant (adorable) so the runoff water from your pooch can close Westboro Beach after a rain storm. Pick up enough crap in a lifetime to fertilize all the fields of western Canada. Call them Muffin or Mick Jagger or Moon Unit. We don’t care that much.

But for God’s sake Ottawa Citizen, when city hall is a shambles, maybe you could pull one of your few comfort-animal reporters to cover it in-depth rather than discussing the menace of fleas on a dog? The horror.

They’re dogs. They’re cats. That’s all. Good guys, most of them. Better than humans, invariably.

But just dogs.

Honest.

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