LRT Response: Baking A Cake Out Of …: WHOPPER WATCH
“Ottawa LRT Public Inquiry Action Plan”
Title of the Ottawa LRT Public Inquiry Action Plan
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The city takes five months to respond to the Ontario LRT inquiry and this is an “action plan.”
So this missive needs a name. Possibly the Ottawa LRT Public Inquiry Inaction Plan. That said, it could be an action plan in the sense that some day the City of Ottawa will act on some of these actions … or not. The active word in this title is ‘plan.’ Planning is easy. Anybody can plan. Doing something is something else.
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Yessirree, the city is expert at obfuscation and deflection. According to the introduction, the project has “issues.” Not cock-ups, but “issues.” Issues … well that’s woody. We all have issues and so do we here at the City of Ottawa. We’re all in this together. Not problems, but “issues.” Yes, “issues” sounds like someone overcooked the oatmeal. Problems sounds like the train left the tracks … repeatedly. Or resembles: “the biggest moral, ethical, transportation and monetary disaster in modern Ottawa municipal history.” So we use “issue.”
The rail system has had “challenges.” You know, “challenges.” “Challenges” as in the Leafs have had challenges winning the Stanley Cup every year since 1967. That’s not a twig falling from the tree. That’s Dutch elm disease. Your agent watched the Leafs win the Stanley Cup in the living room of our home on the black-and-white RCA Victor. Such as that puts the Leafs woes in perspective and history and so too the city’s. That’s the same RCA Victor that blew a tube and my mother had to put out the fire with baking soda. See, TVs have “issues,” too, just like the city and all of us, even the Leafs.
“The following table provides a synopsis of the recommendations, presented as themes within the final Public Inquiry Report.” What exactly does that mean? ‘Themes.’ Hmm, let’s see. Does the public inquiry report contain the five elements of a short story, you know, plot, character, setting, conflict and theme? Is it a novel? A poem?
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Is it a limerick? Where is Rudyard Kipling when you need him? He’d know. That’s our next hire at The Bulldog … a linguist.
Perhaps the sentence above containing the word ‘themes’ could be described as a small nugget of crap. And believe me, if you know writing, you know crap.
In the earthier days of journalism, writing something when you’ve got nothing was called: baking a cake out of … err … ahh … stuff.
Well the folks at the city sure baked a cake here … doubtful it will rise.
Ken Gray
P.S. For those of you wondering what the word ‘woody’ means above (and that should be most of you), we give you Monty Python:
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One might think that a new regime at city hall would take this inquiry report as an opportunity to distance itself from the old regime. Or maybe it is still the old regime in charge, with just a facelift.