SENS SALE: All The News That’s Fit To Whip

06/07/2023

God bless poor Bruce Garrioch.

The Sun/Citizen’s hockey writer is on the sale-of-the-Senators beat which is, of course, big news in this puck-obsessed city.

But pity Bruce. Each day he has to come up with a new angle on the sale when absolutely nothing is happening. Here are a couple of recent headlines:

“GARRIOCH: The bidders for the Ottawa Senators hope to have an answer soon” … or …

“GARRIOCH: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says the sale of the Ottawa Senators is on track”

Now you’ve got a story there if Bettman says the sale is off-track but poor Bruce is charged with writing stories even if there aren’t stories because Senators fans eat these things up. A proper headline would be:

“Absolutely nothing happens in Senators sale.”

But that’s not what the paper or the public wants. I mean this is a city that hangs on the state of Jake Sanderson’s pulled bunion.

Bidding For The Sens: All The Stars Come Out

Early on there was much drama in actor and businessman Ryan Reynolds wanting to buy the Senators despite the fact that he had far from enough dough to keep the team in jocks and cups.

The NHL was all excited because Reynolds planned to do a television series on the Senators called, who knows, “Sanderson: The Man of Bunions.”

First, Reynolds was buying the team, then he was to be a part of any bid that got the team, then he joined a big group that was to buy the team. Then they weren’t buying the team and Reynolds was gone. More plot twists than the soap, The Edge of Wetness.

Then every star short of Jesus Christ himself was part of a group of investors headed by anonymous men with names of many syllables with big money or pliant bankers.

A billion here, a billion there. Arenas? LeBreton maybe. Bayview maybe. Downtown maybe. Kanata maybe.

Don’t Move The Sens To LeBreton Flats: GRAY – Part 1

Then there’s Bruce. Trying to make a story each day from nothing when he should be having his summer holidays. In journalism, that’s called “whipped air.” Keeping a story going when there’s no news.

So good luck, Bruce. Whip that air. Hope you get a Sens sale before the summer goes too far along or you’ll be back on the seven-days-a-week hockey beat for another winter without a warm-weather vacation.

Headline tomorrow?

“Bidders happy with process of buying Senators.”

“Bettman falls asleep waiting for Senators sale.”

“NHL runs out of stars to bid on Sens.”

“Liberace exhumed. Rumoured to want piece of Senators action.”

Good luck, Bruce. Someone will buy the team sometime.

Ken Gray

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sisco farraro says:
06/07/2023 at 3:10 PM
Ken. Oftentimes you attach music videos to your stories. An appropriate one in this case might have been “Whippet” by Devo. Maybe next time. I’m sure some of the oldsters who lived through the new wave of music in the ’80s would love it. Maybe the new Senators could dress up in Devo garb; hell, they wore helmets.