Beaches Are Open. Have Correct Amount Of Fun: NCC

Published 06/16/2023 · Updated 06/16/2023

God bless all the pointy little heads at our National Capital Commission.

This week our bureaucratic friends issued a release from the mighty NCC saying its worker squirrels had finished half the Britannia bike path “ahead of schedule.” Memo to NCC: many organizations make announcements when a project is completed ahead of schedule.

Oh no. What was I thinking? That could have been a Whopper Watch. Now your agent is wasting this here.

With that kind of thinking, I could be working at the NCC. You can just hear an NCC human resources weenie saying: “Hey that Gray guy doesn’t make sense. Call up some corporate hiring consultants and offer him a job. He’s our man. We should pick him up before the Leafs hire him as their new coach.”

So the following NCC release is below. My poignant comments are in boldface:

The National Capital Commission’s (NCC) (really, you need to put the acronym right after the whole word? Trust me, people will figure that out) beaches in Gatineau Park and Leamy Lake are now open for the summer season.

City Amends OP To Accommodate Lansdowne 2.0

In Gatineau Park, from June 16 to September 4, lifeguards will be on duty from 10 am to 6 pm at the O’Brien, Blanchet, Breton, Parent and La Pêche Lake beaches (so there will be no drowning after 6). Lifeguards will be on duty at Leamy Lake beach from 10 am to 7 pm on the same dates (or 7). Smith Beach is closed for the season due to the rehabilitation of the Philippe Lake campground.

(OK, you got me here. How do you open a beach? I’ve skied past it in the winter and it looks pretty damn open. Same in summer. Open. Not the skiing, the open. And how do you rehabilitate a beach? Couldn’t you just say you’re fixin’ stuff? And what is it rehabilitating from? Has it been doing time? Did it just get out of the Grey Bar Hotel? What was it in the big house for? Littering? Is it on parole? Is it doing community service? Is this the community service? Does it have a substance abuse problem? Is that why people are not allow on the beach? That beach can’t be trusted not to re-offend? And if it might re-offend, why is it running free, creating mayhem? Why is it open when it is always open? Should we allow convicted litterers to roam free?). It should also be noted that given staff shortages, some beaches may be unsupervised at certain times (drowning is not permitted then, either). Various facilities such as washrooms, change rooms and picnic tables will be available to visitors (Well that’s a relief. But why are people allowed near a beach, that could re-offend at any moment? What are these people thinking? Use washroom at own risk).

The NCC urges the public to be cautious and keep personal safety in mind (in contrast to the havoc constantly happening at Smith Beach, where re-offending prisoners have day passes). Swimming is permitted only within the swimming areas marked by buoys (or girls).

Water sample testing results

Water sample tests taken on June 12, 2023 at the following beaches meet bacteriological standards for swimming (so you invite us for a swim with the cons and the litter and the water might not be safe let alone the danger posed by the inmates. Yeah, like I’m coming to your place for dinner).

Meech Lake

O’Brien Beach: Class A (excellent for swimming)
Blanchet Beach: Class A (excellent for swimming)

Philippe Lake

Breton Beach: Class B (good for swimming)
Parent Beach: Class B (good for swimming)

La Pêche Lake Beach: Class A (excellent for swimming)

Leamy Lake Beach: Class A – (excellent for swimming)

(What the hell is a class B beach? And if it is class B, why has it not been rehabilitated? That’s our tax money you’re wasting)

During the swimming season, beaches are tested every week for bacteriological water quality. The results are updated on the NCC’s website.

Open water swimming

Open water swimming (in contrast to closed-water swimming) is permitted at Meech and Leamy lakes from middle of May to middle of October (the rest of the time closed ice-water swimming is allowed). The NCC asks the public to follow open water swimming safety measures and instructions at all times. No lifeguards are on duty in the designated open water swimming areas (what about at the closed water ice-swimming swimming areas?). Engaging in this activity is at your own risk (no drowning is allowed here either).

Parking fees

From June 16 to September 4, 2023, there is a fee to park at the following beach and boat launch parking lots:

Meech Lake (P11, P12, P13)
Philippe Lake
La Pêche Lake
Leamy Lake

Parking fees at Mackenzie King Estate apply from June 16 to October 22, 2023.

Hourly parking passes are available at all times, and can be purchased at the meters located at the parking lot entrance gates.

Season parking passes, for access to all beach parking lots in Gatineau Park, Leamy Lake Park and the Mackenzie King Estate, are available for purchase at the Visitor Centre (but there are no prices. What’s the cost? Say $500 a day? And why are you charging so much?)

Boat launches

Gatineau Park has three boat launches for non-motorized boats.

Meech Lake: McCloskey Boat Launch, near P12
Philippe Lake: Boat launch near Parent beach
La Pêche Lake: Boat launch near La Pêche Lake beach

(what is the fee for that and why are there no warnings for closed-water swimmers? They could get hurt by fee-dodging launched boats)

Accessibility

The NCC offers four hours of free parking for vehicles displaying an accessible parking permit at the paid parking lots.

For swimming, Philippe Lake’s Breton Beach is the most accessible for people with limited mobility. A paved path with a gentle slope leads to the beach and a wheelchair ramp. A beach wheelchair is available upon request at the lifeguard station.

Groups

Groups wishing to visit Gatineau Park’s beaches should contact the Gatineau Park Visitor Centre prior to their visit. It is not possible to reserve the beach or parking space for groups, but our team will ensure that you receive important information and tips for the best possible experience. To notify the Visitor Centre, call 819-827-2020.

(Yes, God forbid that a group of people go to a beach without being bureaucratized at the visitor centre. Apparently groups will be allowed 66 per cent fun for each allocated and rehabilitated day. As well, if closed- and open-water swimmers are having fun after dark, Ottawa’s Night Mayor (nightmare or NM) will be on duty making sure you are not exceeding your fun quota. And watch out for criminals on day passes who have not been rehabilitated. And wolverines. And killer chipmunks. And don’t feed the killer chipmunks. A fed killer chipmunk is a dead killer chipmunk.)

LINKS

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