Jeff Leiper: The Bard Of Westboro: WHOPPER WATCH

Published 05/27/2023 · Updated 05/28/2023

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“Spring has truly sprung, Kitchissippi! I hope you’re all enjoying the beautiful weather IN OUR ward’s beautiful outdoor spaces.”

Kitchissippi Councillor Jeff Leiper

Such sweetness. Excuse me while I floss.

The left on council thinks I’m a very bad boy because I satirize the councillor abutting the Great River. But that’s satire, you see. You know, satire … Voltaire? Me and Voltaire … tight.

And my grievous error was to call him Jeffy, not the mighty ruler and excellency from Trendy Town. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me Kenny … I remember when I was batting for my baseball team and the players on the bench spurred their little shortstop on to greater heights. “Come on, Mr. Kenneth Wayne Gray. A poke’s two runs.” I believe they meant Kenny as a term of affection, the same way I see Jeffy.

So in deference to the nagging nabobs of negativism on council, The Bulldog will no longer address Jeffy as Jeffy. Sorry. I’m going to opt for Jeff Bob instead.

But I digress.

I don’t know why I have such a bee up my bonnet these days about writing, but my gag reflex kicked in when I read the words above from His Excellency.

The Bulldog picks and chooses articles from community newspapers in a feature above called Hood Hub, which sounds like it might be a rap sheet for car thieves in Westboro.

But I digress.

So what pops up but a treatise from the John Locke of Wellington Village, the good councillor Leiper, in the authoritative Kitchissippi Times.

Ouch.

Then I see the lede. “Spring has truly sprung, Kitchissippi!” Oh god, gag me with a low fat latte.

There are two expressions that I’ve seen banned in the five newsrooms in which I toiled. One of them is “Spring has sprung.” You see copy editors erecting gallows inside the rim for that one.

I don’t know if His Majesty has heard but that’s been written before. If you use “spring has sprung” in the unwashed media, there’s a very good chance you get a footprint on your posterior.

“Spring has sprung, the grass has riz. I wonder where Leiper’s cliches is.”

Then he puts an exclamation mark behind it. I used an exclamation mark once when I was young and foolish. The city editor came up to me and said: “An exclamation mark? What do we use for the second coming of Christ? Two exclamation marks?” So I didn’t use exclamation marks any more. I needed work. And I already had numerous footprints on my butt for all the other mistakes I made. Ah to be young and stupid.

So Your Eminence, try to stay away from “Spring has sprung.”

PR: All The News That Fits

Now you are wondering what the second banned expression was? Glad you asked: “Yes, Virginia, there is …” You know how that one finishes.

So what can I say? Save that one for Christmas, councillor.

Ken Gray

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