Maple Loafs Get Lucky: QUOTABLE

“(Since 2004 the Leafs have) hired and fired five coaches, four general managers and cycled through hundreds of players. Nothing changed. There’s a thought experiment in philosophy called Theseus’s paradox – if you gradually replace all the parts on a boat, is it still the same boat? For 20 years, the Leafs replaced everything over and over, but they were always the same Leafs. On Saturday night in Tampa, just past 10 o’clock ET, the Leafs got themselves a new boat.”

Cathal Kelly, Globe and Mail

I knew something happened last night.

A half glass of Diet 7-Up I left on the coffee table (before going to bed … yes the Leafs put me to sleep) had turned to wine and the fridge was full of fishes and the cupboard stuffed with loaves.

What’s next? The second coming of Tim Horton?

Then your agent looked at his computer and discovered that the Maple Loafs had won their first playoff series since 2004. Oh god, I won’t be able to watch TSN (the Toronto Sports Network) for weeks.

Actually, your agent has become a bit soft over the years. I once watched the Stanley Cup playoffs after the Sens were out to revel in the Loafs losing again. God bless ’em. They never disappointed.

But this year, your agent thought of his long-suffering cousin Doug. He and I used to watch the blue-and-white when they were black-and-white on the TV. And they won. It was a dark period of my life I try to forget.

Decades passed and I became a Winnipeg Jets fan when I moved to that frigid outpost (I travelled to Ottawa for the weather). Me and that huge portrait of the Queen in Winnipeg Arena saw them win the last World Hockey Association AVCO Cup, named appropriately for a finance company. Then I joined Sens army when I moved to Ottawa (hockey was not a sport of long allegiances for me but a state of geography. Nevertheless Doug remained Loaf loyal in London, Ont.).

Canadians Want Cup Canadian: POLL

Poor Doug. He has been crucified many more times than Christ and in much worse ways as a Loaf fan. I hesitated calling him during the playoffs for fear he would bite my head off thinking that I was calling to gloat over another Loaf loss. The problem was … he was right. I never had more fun than giving Doug the gears about another Loaf debacle. The opportunities were endless. And it was cruel … God never built a kinder, more honest and true person than Doug. He didn’t deserve the fate of Job. Still cruel as the jokes were, it was really fun.

But I got soft on Saturday. I phoned him to wish him best of luck a few minutes before the second miracle on ice. Now I can’t call him Sunday morning. He’ll just go nuts. Douglas, like most Loaf funs, will be conjuring the route of the first Toronto Stanley Cup parade since Johnny Bower AD.

But that won’t happen. They are the Loafs. They never fail to disappoint. Good for them. There are few certainties in life as dependable as death and the Loafs losing. Death is much more preferable for hockeyites in the little smoke. There’s a special place in heaven for Loafs fans. They deserve a vacation from their living hell.

Anyway, Lucifer took a night off Saturday and the Loafs won something that mattered.

Good for Doug. His mourning for the Loafs has been delayed a series. The Leafs still suck. Yet for a couple of weeks, Doug has risen.

Nevertheless, dust off those golf clubs, Austin Matthews. You’ll be needing them soon.

You are the Loafs after all.

Ken Gray

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