Secret City Cycling Plans Include New Bike

04/16/2023

Using municipal access-to-information files, The Bulldog has uncovered a new cycling program that is planned to be released later this spring.

A part of this project is a new bike designed by city engineers deep in a previously unknown underground municipal research bunker. They are the same engineers who gave us the incomparable light-rail project.

A photo of the bike is revealed below:

bike.square.h

“I like it,” said planning committee chairman Jeff Leiper between meetings to put a four-storey apartment on a residential lot beside your house in the city’s old neighbourhoods.

“It’s ground-breaking,” said the Kitchissippi councillor. “Innovative.”

“Here in Ottawa, the technology capital of Canada, we’ve have progressed beyond the conventional round wheel. Take that cavemen.”

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“Our next project is to take the original design of the wheel, that’s been used since the dawn of time, and make it rounder.”

Leiper could not release specifics of the new-rounder-wheel plan to Bulldog freelance reporter Kosmo because he didn’t understand it.

“All aboard,” the councillor said.

When asked why he was releasing secret city plans, Leiper replied by saying, “Oops.”