Secret City Presser Held In Diefenbunker: Top 10 List

Published 10/06/2023 · Updated 10/06/2023

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The city is holding a Lansdowne press conference today at a secret location and at a secret time for which reporters must register to receive the secret time and secret location.

The meeting will only be held in person for fear that a video might leak out over the internet.

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Nevertheless, our crack team of rabid Bulldog reporters has discovered the location and is reporting in by a clandistine device called a cellphone.

We bring you this meeting by way of a Top 10 List.

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Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the Diefenbunker.

The Lansdowne principals to this meeting are having trouble finding the secret location so they will be a bit late.

We are holding this meeting in the Diefenbunker because we are concerned that the Russians and the Chinese might have bugged our other secure locations and will use this secret information to make their Lansdowne projects even more successful than ours. The RCMP is also concerned that our enemies might laugh at us.

Now we have vetted all the reporters here so that they are just from media outlets that support Lansdowne. That’s just about everyone except the CBC.

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Everyone at this meeting has been instructed to be nice. Anyone who is not nice will be ushered from the room. Nice means asking nice questions:

Top 10 Questions Asked At Secret Lansdowne Media News Conference.

10. How much more wonderful will Lansdowne 2.0 be than Lansdowne 1.0?

9. Was there too much wasted green space at Lansdowne Park?

8. Were you able to find enough people on-site to get an accurate survey of the public’s feelings on Lansdowne?

7. Other than Mayor Mark Sutcliffe, did you survey anyone else about the success of Lansdowne?

6. What will the city use the massive profits from Lansdowne for beyond finding homes for abandoned puppies and kittens?

5. What are air rights? Are they the same value as thin air?

4. Are air rights like waterfalls?

3. No number 3. Media loses the will to live;

2. What parts of Lansdowne will you name after Ottawa’s greatest mayor Jim Watson?

1. If the city is drowning in billions of dollars of debt from transit, how can it afford to put a half-billion dollars into a frill such as Lansdowne (reporter ushered from room).

Ken Gray

Digital illustration on front by AI generator Bing Image Creator.

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